How to be 30
A subject that is becoming closer and closer to my heart...
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Sep 8, 1996 20:47 from Lovebug
How to be 30
Remember how 30 used to be old? You know what? It still is. If you were
a car, you'd be a classic, if you were a dog, you'd be dead, if you were a
human, you'd be hostile, angry, bitter and disappointed.
In the ten years since you were 20, you'll notice that your body has
changed. For example, at 20 you can't drink; at 30 you can't stop. At 20 you
didn't know how to ask a woman out; at 30 you don't know how to ask her to
leave. (And it's the same one) At 20, you have all your goals firmly
established; at 30, you have all your goals firmly established and now
you're ten years older. At 20, you develop bravado. You have guts. At 30,
you have a gut.
Yep, it's about time you lose weight. You'll want to avoid fitness
clubs. Instead buy an exerciser and put it in a part of the house that no
one frequents. Including you. I mean, when will you ever use that thing?
Now go to a fitness club. Fitness clubs frequently offer five dollar
introductory courses, where an enormous idiot escorts you through the place
showing you machines you'd be using had you started five years earlier while
he stops and flirts with women riding the exercise bicycles. You stand there
looking at your feet while he tries to manufacture some awkward sexual
innuendo about Speedos, bless his heart. Then you notice the women pedaling
faster and faster trying to get away as you say to them with a glance that
you just met him. They respond with a glance that says, "Stop looking at our
breasts."
"They were trying to bike away from us. Did you notice that?" I said.
"They can't. It's a stationary bike," he grunted.
"I know," I said, "That's the irony."
"What?" he grunted.
"Irony. You know irony?"
We rounded the corner to the pool of old people when he said, "Like
pumping irony."
I think these gorillas never leave the gym because there are so many
shiny objects to hold their interest.
Start your workout slowly. After an hour or so, look across the room at
yourself in the mirror. If you see yourself lying on the carpet clutching
your heart it's time to stop.
Jogging is a good way to lose weight. A jogger typically burns 300
calories an hour. Another good way to lose weight is not jogging. Not
jogging burns 150 calories an hour. If you not jog twice as long as you jog,
you'll burn the same amount of calories and not need to change afterward.
How hard is not jogging? I'm doing it right now. The only way to stop not
jogging is to jog. And who wants to do that? Once you master not jogging you
may want to move on to the more advanced sports like not bicycling, not
swimming, and not weightlifting.
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Drugs and 30
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This is about the time in your life when your drugs begin to change.
They become legal. They do exactly the same thing, but now they're all
prescription. While we're on the subject of drugs, if you are still doing
the illegal kind, keep in mind that drug testing has become much more
sophisticated. In the old days you had to pee in a cup and if you thought
this was the funniest thing on earth, then you were stoned and immediately
fired. Today, lab technicians snip a lock of your hair, roll it, and smoke
it. If they get a half decent buzz, you're fired dude.
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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) About 30
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Is 30 Necessary?
Thirty is the natural progression; it comes after 29. Leave it alone.
Hey without it you'd turn 31. And who needs that? Thirty is crappy
enough.
How Do I Know I'm 30?
You know you're 30 when:
o Eighteen-year-old girls look like 13 year old girls.
o You can still pull an all-niter; though it now takes three nights.
You don't bother hiding your pornography from your girlfriend anymore.
She can't understand that women in magazines never complain that you
come too quickly. Sure they're two dimensional, but so is she. What's
the problem?
What do I do on my birthday?
Turning 30 is hard enough. So why does it have to fall on your
birthday? Your birthday should be a happy day. Not a day to think about
your age. You're going to need chocolate, and lots of it. That's where
the cake comes in. If you get a birthday cake, stare at it and make a
wish. Now lower your standards and make another.
Get really drunk and call all your old girlfriends. It's the same thing
you do every Friday, only now you are doing it as a 30 year old. When
she picks up, then you hang up. Then call back. When she asks if you
just called, say: "What? No."
Who has turned 30.
Many great people have turned 30. Albert Schweitzer turned 30. Abe
Lincoln turned 30. So did Einstein and Nietzsche. Zsa Zsa Gabor liked
it so much, she turned 30 six times.
Who did not turn 30.
John Belushi, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix.
James Dean. In other words, the Greats.
This is the time in your life when you start getting honest. Because if
you are not honest now, then when will you be? For example that Zsa Zsa
remark was marginal at best. I think I kept it in because I like the
wording.
And finally, you can be 30, but you don't have to look 30. Your wife or
girlfriend is always your best barometer for your age. I said to my
girlfriend, "Be honest with me. Do I look 30?" She said, "No, not at all.
You used to, but not anymore."
Remember, the only cure for the dismal feelings about 30 is 40. So
enjoy it.
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PIGWEB / pig@pigweb.com / The Dresbach Company / tdc@dresbach.com
--
Dan Cosley (cause@coil.com)
This message, plus 82 cents, plus coffee tax, plus cup tax, plus grinding tax,
plus a dollar cause it's so chic to drink, will get you a cup of coffee.
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