Not my children?

Aug 7, 1996 19:05 from Lovebug

This was posted last year,I believe by Successful In Life(isca name..if
I am wrong,do correct me..please) and supposedly it is an actual letter...
and witty one too..:)

The IRS sent me a letter last Friday. They audited my return and denied
two of my dependent deductions! I thought you might like to read my
response which, while more devestating than any militia plot, is a kinder
and gentler way of stiking fear into the heart of government!



Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are
evil and expensive.

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that
the government (who, evidently, is now taxing me more to care for these
waifs) know something about them and what to expect over the next year.
You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.
This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer peoples questions about
their returns. While she has had no formal training, it has not seemed to
hampered her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be
a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that
you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that
over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you
have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense
funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom
of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally
remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming
passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you
will be handling it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate Joycelyn
Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little to close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first. In February I was
rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future
would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent directly to
Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is
purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal
with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of
school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone
number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends, have
raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be
much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles
or telephones. (I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of
unimaginable amusement, be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10, going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help you offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it.
Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction
you are denying! It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the
other two) so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror.
She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious
patois she fashioned out of valley girl/boys in
the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't.

The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It
added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I'm sure you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in
her room and I think it would be easier to move the entire thing than find
out what it's really made of.

You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two youngest, I still
go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but then I'm free! If you take
the two oldest at least I have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
teenager. If you take the two girls I won't feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon
as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover
the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
Bob Mullen

--
Dan Cosley (cause@coil.com)
This message, plus 96 cents, will get you a cup of coffee.



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