Jul 24, 1996 13:44 from Lovebug
I have deleted a paragraph from it for various reasons...
Maybe someone with as much screwed up sense of humour as I have will
find it funny...
How to Break Up with a Woman
by
Dino Londis
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"Love" and Other Four Letter Words
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This is a true story. I had been dating a woman for about six months
and had carefully avoided using the word "love." We both knew it. One
morning, after we had spent a lovely weekend getaway at a bed & breakfast in
Northern California, I pulled the curtains open to see the most beautiful
scenic view of the Pacific Ocean on the Carmel coastline.
"I love a view," I said.
"I love you too, " she said and rolled over.
At that moment I knew it was over.
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How do You Know She Loves You?
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Good question. Here are three tell-tale signs you know the woman you
are dating loves you:
* You had sex with her.
* She spends all your time together trying to change you.
* She doesn't say, "I love you." Women don't say it when they do, as
frequently as men say it when they don't.
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The Five Stages of Breaking Up
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Rather than doing it in one swift painless blow, I've dragged it out
into five distinct and unavoidable steps:
1. Contemplation: It usually occurs right after sex. Don't go with this
immediate urge. Now is not the time. It's chemical. Just roll over and go to
sleep like you always have.
2. Contemplate it some more: Run it by your friends. You know... those guys
you blew off when you started seeing her.
3. Joke about it: Make your moments with her uncomfortable and pressured.
4 Just do it: (I would explain how, but that is beyond scope of this
article.) Oh, one way is to get her drunk. You did it when you first slept
with her. Now do it to break up with her. Trust me, it's the best way.
Besides, while she's drunk, you can sleep with her one last time. But get
out before she sobers up. That's how you got into the relationship to begin
with.
5. Stalking: Just because you've stopped calling her, doesn't mean you have
to stop seeing her. Many questions need to be answered, like: Who is she
going out with now? Is she miserable now that you 're gone? Oh God, she's
not fu--ing him, is she? This includes calling and hanging up, and calling
and crying. That is when you say, "I love you."
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Beating Her to the Punch
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There are two ways of beating her to the punch. The first way is to
break up with her before she does it to you. And the second way is to
literally punch her, because she's pissed.
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Other Ways
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Take her to dinner. Maybe the restaurant where you first took her. This
way the thing goes full circle, like a ring. (Try to get that back, too.)
Sit at exactly the same table, order the same thing, then ask the waitress
out. It's that simple. That's the sensitive way. Sensitivity is very popular
lately. We no longer end it over the phone or on the answering machine.
Today we talk it to death, then see each other's therapist.
There's the, I-never-really-thought-that-we-were-dating approach, which
only works if you're dating an idiot.
And finally, you could write an article about it and have her proofread
it. That's what I did.
[Humor> msg #60747 (2 remaining)] Read cmd ->
--
Dan Cosley (cause@coil.com)
This message, plus 96 cents, will get you a cup of coffee.
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