The Trailing Edge

Warning: Some of the products mentioned below may offend the weak of heart.
Also, I'll be gone for 10 days so the list will be down.

-- Dan

Jul 2, 1996 15:32 from CyberBlazer
The Trailing Edge Catalog: Products You CAN Live Without

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

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Electric Shocking Pager
Your employees will never forget a meeting with these helpful reminders
strapped to their bodies. This unbreakable device delivers a painful
electric shock to notify them of pending appointments and approaching
deadlines. Not legal for use on livestock.
The Magical Mystery Mixture
An enchanting assortment of broken glass, dead beetles, and soiled,
bloody medical waste. Available in 5, 20, or 100 pound bags, or choose
the two-ton economy pack, dumped directly in your living room free of
charge.
Drink the Spittoon
The juicy new game for kids! If you get a Hawker, Loogie, or Gob Card,
it's time to ante up, with the electronic scoring spittoon judging your
range and accuracy. But draw the dreaded Purple Lunger Card and it's
time to Drink the Spittoon! Now available: Adventures in Excretia
Expander Pack, for adults only.
The Game of Life, California Edition
The whole family will enjoy golden times in the Golden State with this
fast-paced new boardgame. Starting out as a Laid-off Defense Worker,
Crack-addicted Runaway, Young Vice Lord, or Impoverished Migrant
Worker, can you achieve riches on the Gridlocked Freeway of Success?
Collect points by landing on Senseless Litigation, Check Kiting, and
Insurance Fraud squares. Draw a Red Card and roll the dice to order a
Driveby Shooting, or draw a Green Card to avoid the Deportation Square.
But don't draw Earthquake, Flood, or Fire cards, and watch out for the
Fault Zone!
Dead Rat in an Old Buick Hubcap
Pretty much self explanatory. A great alternative to pot-pourri. Color
may vary.
Shrieking Sonic Mind Mangler
Put on this sleek "virtual reality" helmet and you're guaranteed a
splitting headache in under a minute! Blinding strobe lights and
screeching stereophonic sirens will overwhelm your senses in a
cacaphony of stimuli. Requires ten "D" cell batteries, not included.
Acme Artificial Mucous
Just like the real thing! Now in the two-liter Economy Jug, with the
new EZ-Pour spout.
Stress Enhancement Tapes
Don't lull yourself to complacent slumber with the sound of ocean waves
and forest breezes; pop these jarring cassettes in your WalkPerson and
keep your edge! Feel your skin crawl as the sound of braking trolley
cars, jackhammers, and low-flying jets assaults your ears on the Urban
Rhythms tape. Thrill to the natural sounds of hyenas in their
death-agony and screeching howler monkeys defending their territory on
Shrieks of Nature! Forty-seven tapes in all.
Ticking Bomb
Where'd it come from? Is it real? Should I open it? These mysteries and
more are yours to unravel when you order this ominous-looking device.
Makes a great gift.
Dr. Dullard's Cough Syrup
The only cough syrup designed to make you cough *more*! You'll be
rasping, wheezing, and convulsively hacking up bits of lung scant
moments after consuming the Doctor's potent mixture.
Young Investigator Kits
Now your children can explore the wonders of nature with these exciting
Activity Kits:
Mutation Exploration
Discover the Miracle of Life as you trace the development of small
creatures exposed to the Big Lump O' Cesium. Lead shielding not
included.
Scorpion Hatchery
Leave the eggs in a cool, dry place such as a coat closet or
dresser, and experience the thrill as dozens of young hatch in the
coming weeks.
Giga Glue
Mix the chemicals in a well ventilated area to produce a pungent
mixture that will permanently adhere to virtually any form of
solid matter.
Electric Tower of Power
An exciting new kit that lets you turn any high tension wire tower
into a glowing, spark-shooting Tower of Power! May disrupt
television reception in surrounding counties.
Little Tykes Musical Maelstrom
Everything a budding young musician needs for a really BIG sound!
Includes a trumpet, a slide trombone, a ten-piece drum kit, blasting
caps, an air-raid siren, and a 500 watt amplifier! Act now and receive
a free ten-pound bag of raw sugar that'll give them the energy to play
on through the night. The perfect gift for children of parents you
hate.
The Enchanted Chalkboard
Spend a thrilling evening with Itchi, Peruvian master of the Musical
Chalkboard, as his talented fingernails scratch out your favorite tunes
on this four album collection. Every hair on your body will stand on
end during his half-hour scraped rendition of Moon River. Be moved to
tears by his masterful two-handed interpretation of Chariots of Fire.
Perfect for the office!
Staring Escort Service
Receive total attention from our Staring Escorts! Trained members of
our staff will follow your every move closely for days on end, silently
fixing you with a piercing, unwavering stare through all your
activities. There's no need to feel ignored with Staring Escorts on
call! Surprise that special someone now.
Anything's Possible!
Why let your children be unnecessarily constrained by boring old facts?
Expand their horizons and give them lots to think about with these
dynamic new educational videos. Maybe two plus two is negative
seventy-three. Maybe George Washington fought Eskimo raiders in the
Franco-Prussian War of 1066. Maybe ice melts because of sunspots and
evil spirits. Or maybe not. After all, Anything's Possible in this
exciting series that will profoundly influence your child's educational
progress for years to come.
Home Biscuit Baker
Just mix the twenty-three special ingredients in the precise order,
kneed vigorously for a few hours, pop the dough in the Biscuit Baker,
let sit in a dark, sound-proof room in a seismically stable region for
a few weeks, and Presto! Your homemade biscuit is ready. It's that
easy! Not safe for children under 18. Not intended for actual human
consumption.
Own Your Very Own Soviet Oil Refinery!
We've made a Special Deal, and for a limited time only you can live the
dream of owning your very own Authentic Soviet Oil Refinery, for a lot
less than you might expect! Constructed in the romantic years of the
1950-1955 Five Year Economic Plan, these plants have been painstakingly
disassembled with powerful explosives for easy transport. Won't the
neighbors be green with envy when three hundred semi trailers arrive
with the pieces of *your* refinery! Its rusted, blackened shards of
towering scrap metal will be the talk of the town. May violate zoning
ordinances in some areas. Extensive assembly required.
FlossTracker
How many times has this happened to you: you've just gorged yourself on
roast beef and corn on the cob, yet you discover you're completely out
of dental floss! Well, you'll never be without floss again with
FlossTracker, the advanced software solution from FlossWare. Record
your hourly flossing activity in the FlossTracker Spreadsheet Module to
generate an exhaustive statistical profile of your floss consumption,
complete with three-dimensional distribution plots and histograms.
FlossTracker will even monitor your current floss inventory, projecting
your floss needs for the coming weeks and automatically ordering
additional floss as necessary from the nearest FlossWare Regional
Distribution Center. You can calculate optimal floss lengths for your
personalized dental profile, and even add flavor with the optional Mint
Module. FlossTracker requires a Pentium PC with 32MB of RAM, 1.2GB of
storage space, a Novell file server, an atomic clock, a Romulan
cloaking device, and Windows 95.
[Humor> msg #60251 (2 remaining)] Read cmd -> Next

--
Dan Cosley (cause@coil.com)
This message, plus 92 cents, will get you a cup of coffee.



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