Chemical analysis of the genders
**** Chemical Analysis of Man ****
Element : MAN
Symbol : XY
Common Name(s) : Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight : 180+/-100
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out
of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure
sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct
electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of
time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able
to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.
***** CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF WOMAN *****
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Quantitative Analysis:
Accepted at 36-24-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-25 to
60-55-60
have been identified.
Occurrence:
Found wherever Man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic
singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
Physical Properties:
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing and
freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when
properly
treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging
from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted to
money and sports cars. In its natural shape, the specimen varies
considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the
change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye.
Chemical Properties:
Has great affinity for Au, Ag and Cu,
especially in the crystalline form.
May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of
food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with reagents such as
C(2)-H(5)-OH,(alcohol) and sexy aftershave lotions. An essential
catalyst is often required (you must say you love her at least five
times daily). Reaction accelerates when in the dark and all reaction
conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly
stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied at the correct points. The
reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage:
Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.
Uses:
Highly ornamental. Used as a tonics for low spirits. Used on lonely
nights as a heating agent - if properly prepared.
Tests:
Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns
green if placed beside a better specimen.
Caution:
Most powerful reducing agent known to Man (income and ego). Highly
explosive in experienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care
if experiments are to succeed.
NOTE:
It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a
certain amount of exchange is permitted.
--
Dan Cosley (cause@coil.com)
This message, plus 90 cents, will get you a cup of coffee.
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