Twinkies

**** Twinkies ****

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and
unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, I subjected the Hostess snack
logs to
the following experiments:

Exposure

A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch
and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the
Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons --
avoided this potential source of substance.

Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained
its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be
substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on
the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however,
retained its advertised "creaminess"

Radiation

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After
20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic
aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble
the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes
10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven.
A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked
molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the
Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application
of a butter knife.

Extreme Force

A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately
120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected
"splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to
the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie
remained structurally intact.

Extreme Cold

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal,
the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties
had noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the approximate
consistency
of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering
to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously
absorbed
the freezer odors.

Extreme Heat

A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked
and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the
Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same "burning
rubber" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.

Immersion

A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie
floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils
ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial
coloring.

After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a
very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that
surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous
texture. After 72 hours the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of
its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped
spray of filling had leaked from one of
the "cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further
analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie
disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was
noted.

Summary of Results

The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual
phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring,
should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the
Twinkie
as "food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite
conclusions can be drawn.

The following person is a Twinkie.

Cheryl Rogers
HAND! Have A Nice Day

--
Dan Cosley (cause@coil.com)
This message, plus 90 cents, will get you a cup of coffee.



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