HC: Warning signs of insanity
THE WARNING SIGNS OF INSANITY
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* Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
* Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places
that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
* You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
* You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
* Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to
relieve yourself on it.
* You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
evil dandruff spirits.
* You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.
* Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
* People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
* Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
* You laugh out loud during funerals.
* Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.
* You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to
one day seek revenge.
* You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
* Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
little illusion.
* You collect dead windowsill flies.
* Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
* You like cats. Especially with mayo.
* You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
* You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
* You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because
they weren't rescued.
* You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
* Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
* You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
* You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in
the middle of your front lawn.
* Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched
on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
* Melba toast excites you.
* When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room
to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
* You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
* Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you
think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
* You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just
for a few minutes.
* Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
* Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
* You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala
or to be loved by an infectious disease.
* You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you're a stalk.
* You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
* You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
* People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
* You like reading lists like this.
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